Navigating Difficult Work Conversations
We’ve all been there. The manager you ‘love’ that respects you, your boundaries and your opinions decides to move on to another role or company. First, you’ve invested time in that working relationship, and as a result, she was your biggest advocate and you were hers. Secondly, you feel like you ‘have to start over!’ Third, enter the new boss that is simply impossible. IMPOSSIBLE! You can’t get a word in, your ideas are immediately discounted, and you are expected to respond to email, texts and phone calls at all hours. Consequently, you feel everything you do is wrong. You are faced with an upcoming difficult conversation. “I mean, I can’t even… How do I navigate this situation?”
Common Responses
I don’t know many people that look forward to a difficult conversation. Even the most ‘seasoned’ professional experiences emotions around ‘how” the upcoming conversation will go. People often avoid addressing the situation because it’s ‘easier’. You may start to disengage because you believe having the conversation ‘won’t do any good.’ Or, you may get argumentative. You attempt to ‘defend’ yourself to no avail. Any of this sound familiar? You aren’t alone.
Why is the conversation difficult?
In 2005, I started to ask myself, why does this have to be difficult? I have found that if I think a conversation will be difficult, it typically is. I may handle it “OK”, but the internal turmoil and the anxiety leading up to it is all my doing. Therefore, I used to make it harder than it needed to be.
The Big “Ah HA”
Equally important, I realized that by NOT communicating how his behavior was impacting me, I was basically teaching him that it was OK to treat me that way.
False Evidence Appearing Real AKA FEAR
One of my teachers elevated my thinking. He asked me how did I know for certain that everything I was doing was wrong? The truth is, when I objectively reviewed the situation, I was doing some things really well. Also, there wasn’t anything that verified ‘everything I was doing was wrong.’ Additionally, just because my boss was a ‘screamer’ didn’t necessarily mean that he didn’t value me. I was interpreting it that way. To illustrate, my Dad would yell at us when we got hurt as kids. He was angry at the situation but loved us. I knew that. One of my favorite takes on the word fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Is fear in your way of addressing the problem?
Navigation tools
There is a book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I recommend it. Here are some tips that I pulled from the book, as well as from my experience, for approaching difficult conversations:
- Operate from a place of integrity and goodness. After all, this conversation is for you, your wellbeing and your career. It’s helpful to teach your manager how to help you help the business.
- Use “I” language. I’ve noticed a few things about how we work together. There are some insights I have and need your help. I’d like to carve some time at the beginning of our next 1 on 1 meeting to share. This is really important to me. I’m hoping you’ll find the conversation productive.
- Start with reporting the facts. Only the facts. Use a specific situation to illustrate your point vs speaking in generalities. I was thinking about the meeting we had on Monday about the new product launch. When I tried to make my points, I struggled with getting interrupted. Then, I went back to try to finish my thought and it was met with a fair amount of yelling.
- State the impact of the behavior. I don’t respond well to being interrupted and yelling. I tend to disengage and become afraid to try to contribute and have an impact. I interpret being interrupted as I’m not valued, and I infer yelling to mean I’m not doing a good job. The yelling is more problematic for me than the interruptions. I want to do well, excel and continue to grow.
- State what you need. I need your help. Kindly, please stop yelling. Does this sound like something you could do for me?
Making it Stick
- Enforce the boundary. For example, In the future, if there is yelling, I’ll simply state ‘are you aware that you are yelling?’ I’m confident that just by creating awareness alone, the situation will improve. (I’ll write more on boundaries soon, as well as some thoughts on if this process goes sideways).
We only have a finite amount of time on this planet, and you can choose how to spend that time. In summary, life is too short to endure an impossible boss. You own managing the working relationship just as much as your manager does. Are you ready?: Press HERE for Success
I wish you much success in your career quest. Yours in balance, learning, growth, and harmony. – Melissa DeLuca, CEO
