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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet about boundaries.

by delucaw1 in Perspective

My Mom’s Mom, Margaret Dodd, affectionately known as Nana had a saying.  “I have a bee in my bonnet”. Nana was barely 4ft 11inches tall and a 1932 graduate of a nursing program, which was ahead of her time. Nana was a quiet strong presence. She was an avid birder, rose gardener and proponent of education. She was emphatic that no woman should be one man away from being homeless.  That sentiment affected me deeply. When she was riled about something and wanted to impart wisdom, she prefaced it with, “I have a bee in my bonnet”.  When I heard that, I knew it was time to pay careful attention.

What’s my bee today?

I have been noticing a trend with my coaching clients, friends, and family.  Lack of establishing and communicating boundaries. Sharing your personal ‘limits’, hot-buttons or operating requirements is a kind thing to do, as a leader, co-worker, family member and friend.  Just remember, clarity is kind!

B is for boundaries.

Often boundaries have a negative connotation as if “boundary” is synonymous with “barrier.” It is a general misconception that “having boundaries” will distance you from others. However, the truth is that when you know where you end and others begin, you can meaningfully engage with others.  Why? Because you won’t feel overwhelmed or unprotected. The actual definition, according to Webster’s Dictionary, a boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.  Dr. Cloud, in his book, Boundaries shares that a boundary is a personal property line (think of a fence with a gate) that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not.

Fear vs Empowerment.

When I ask, why aren’t you communicating this boundary to your leader, peer, etc?  The answers range from, “I don’t want to be perceived as difficult, not a team player to I’m afraid they will blacklist my career or fire me.”   From a personal life perspective, I hear things like “I don’t want to be needy, high maintenance to I’m afraid they’ll leave or reject me”. In all cases, these people are on a negative emotional downward spiral.  They are afraid and angry at the same time! Angry because they blame others for ‘not knowing’ what matters to them. Angry at themselves for not getting their needs met. As most of us know, hanging out with negative emotions over time is detrimental to your mental, emotional and physical health!

Start with what matters most.

Begin with you.  Take your inventory about our personal ‘limits’, hot-buttons or operating requirements.  What do you need to be successful? Here’s a helpful worksheet that frames the different types of boundaries nicely.  It’s intended to be a thought-starter for you. 

We only have a finite amount of time on this planet, and you can choose how to spend that time.  Anoush Shafique, Director of the London School of Economics shares “In the past jobs were about muscles, now they are about brains, but in the future, they will be about the heart.”  

Are you ready?:  Press HERE for Success

I wish you much success in your career quest.  Yours in balance, learning, growth, and harmony.  – Melissa DeLuca, CEO